The hardest breakup of my life wasn’t with a person. It was with my own self-condemnation.

And it didn’t happen when you’d expect.

It didn’t happen at 19 when I graduated Summa Cum Laude despite a 0.96 GPA and teen incarceration just 5 years prior.

It didn’t happen when I built a multi-six-figure business and walked away because “God said so.“

It happened last year. At the end of a 5½ year hiatus.

The Idol I Didn’t See Coming:

Let me take you back over the last several years to understand how we got here; creating The Kingdom Woman (which had 400 founding members in 2021).

It was then, in Fall 2021, I reluctantly acknowledged that my business had become an idol. So when God gave the directive to surrender my business (and my life), I eventually chose to lay it down.

After COVID shut the world down, I was holding on to hope, wondering what the future of my business would look like. Even when it reopened, I didn’t return to our annual conferences. I kept a handful of private corporate clients, but my focus shifted: my spiritual growth, marriage, family, and doctoral program.

If you don’t know much about my story: In 2019, I met and married my husband in 79 days. Overnight, I became a bonus mama to a 9-year-old son and 6-year-old daughter (who are now 16 and 13). In 2020, our youngest son was born. And in September 2023, he was diagnosed with level 2 autism.

That season was heavy, yet looking back, it was so very holy.

It was both hard and sanctifying as we charted the fingerprint of God in and through our lives. I was learning to find my place in a family that was broken (divorce, ongoing hurdles with parallel parenting, unexpected housing displacement in Year 1 of marrying a stranger = 2/10 recommend), be a wife after years solo (aka only worrying about myself), and eventually, an advocate for a child with special needs (which was absolutely NOT on my Bingo card).🤹‍♀️

Here’s what I didn’t expect… I had traded one idol for another. I laid down the idol of platform. I picked up the idol of shame.

I wasn’t hiding behind my business anymore. I was hiding from the woman God was calling me to be now, because I still believed the lie that my past disqualified me from my present.

Today, I live free from that former belief blocker. I learned to use the challenging life experiences and the lessons I learned along the way as stepping stones to become the woman God predestined me to be.

Identity + Spiritual Development | The Real Battleground:

Here’s a deeper look into what I learned: You can change your address, your last name, your tax bracket, even your title, and still live in a mental captivity built by your own thoughts.

You’ve likely been there, doing the work to learn, heal, and grow. Yet, here comes the residue: the limiting belief, unhealthy habit, or delayed decision.

The same was true for me. Doctorate. Marriage. Bonus mom life. Autism evaluations and therapies three or more times a week. But at night, I was still rehearsing old failures. Still punishing myself for who I used to be. Still believing that my wounds made me unusable for the family God had just given me.

Romans 8:1 says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” I could preach it. I just struggled to accept it. As a result, it was hard to live it.

The Decision That Changed Everything:

Everything changed when I made ONE decision: My wounds aren’t my identity. They’re my witness.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 says God “comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction.” My bonus mom insecurities, my autism mom advocacy, my unplanned extended business hiatus—none of it was wasted.

But shame was keeping me from seeing it.

I had to believe that the same God who restored my GPA could restore my view of myself.

For the Kingdom Woman Reading This:

Sister, maybe your hiatus wasn’t 5½ years. Maybe it was 5 months. Maybe you never left your business, but you left your joy. Maybe your “blended family” season felt like whiplash. Maybe your “special needs” diagnosis is still fresh and raw. Maybe the hurdle God had you overcome (or is currently navigating you through) is testing you beyond your capacity.

I completely understand what it’s like, trying to hold on to the narrative of your past, especially when you don’t know what your life would look like without clinging to the parts that once crippled you.

Breaking up with self-condemnation isn’t a feeling. It’s a daily decision to believe God over your guilt.

To practice the spiritual habit of taking every thought captive to Christ, read 2 Corinthians 10:5:

The 9 Pillars Review:

We introduced The 9 Kingdom Woman Pillars in the welcome email:

1. Identity: (Daughtership, healing rejection, choosing intimacy over performance)

2. Relationships: (Generational healing, breaking toxic cycles, holy vulnerability)

3. Marriage: (Building true harmony, navigating real-life transitions)

4. Family: (Blended family dynamics, the beautiful reality of the autism mama journey)

5. Business/Career: (Faith in the marketplace, work-life harmony, purpose over productivity)

6. Health & Wellness: (Mental wellness, emotional grounding, soul care)

7. Wealth & Legacy: (Living a legacy, building timeless kingdom value)

8. Spiritual Development: (Consistent devotion, Scripture engagement, deeper discipleship)

9. The Kingdom Woman Chronicles: (Grounding our faith in the beautifully unpolished reality of daily living)

The Practice This Week:

Your personal habits become your life principles. Theses habits show up in both your personal and professional life.

So let’s get to the root.

As seasoned Christian women (those of us who have been walking with Jesus for a decade or more), we find ourselves wrestling with subconscious dangers of spiritual exhaustion, autopilot devotion, hidden resentment, unforgiveness (of others or ourselves), performance-based acceptance, and/or the transition from building a life to living the legacy we will one day leave behind.

Ask yourself: “What does God want me to examine about the current state of my life?”

Let’s walk through the following questions, introducing you to the 9 Kingdom Woman pillars:

1. The Kingdom Woman: How are you letting God meet you right in the middle of your challenges and moments of joy? NOTE: We don’t just call on God during the hard seasons.

2. Identity: Who are you behind (or beyond) the titles and the needs of those you serve?

3. Relationships: What belief/s are you working on reshaping about establishing Kingdom sisterhood? What do you wrestle with the most about the assignment of singleness? What are you learning about waiting well?

4. Marriage: Where has your routine or emotional fatigue replaced true spiritual and physical intimacy with your husband?

5. Family: How are you parenting your children out of your own unhealed childhood wounds? What are you learning about trusting that God to care for, love, and lead your (young or adult) children?

6. Business/Career: Holding a “search me, O God” heart posture, examine if you have made your gifts or any aspect of your current assignments (personal or professional) an idol.

7. Health/Wellness: What are your current Bible self-care practices? Describe the rhythm that balances (brings harmony to) work and rest in your life?

8. Wealth/Legacy: How are you stewarding well what God has given you? What area/s do you need support as you build your wealth and begin to live the legacy you will leave behind one day?

9. Spiritual Development (Growth & Maturity): What area/s of your life are you looking to grow in spiritual maturity?

You don’t have to answer all nine questions at once. Start with one. Write it down in your journal. That’s where the healing starts.

I am here to remind you that you’re not behind, sister. You’re being built. And your breakup with shame? That’s the beginning of your witness.

Reflection Question: Which of the 9 pillars revealed the most self-condemnation for you this week?

Reply in the comments; I read every single one.

Next week, on Episode 3: Stepping Stones, Not Stumbling Blocks I’ll share how God turned my 5.5-year hiatus into my training ground. Until next time.

Choose peace and live fully,

Dr. A. Margot Blair, D.Min. (Leadership)

Author (Christian Living & Bible Studies - Faith • Life • Leadership) & Corporate Trainer (Learning & Development)

For years, I let my past write the story of who I was. Teen incarceration. A 0.96 GPA my freshman year. Depression that followed me into my mid-20s.

Then came the plot twist: I graduated Summa Cum Laude at 19. On paper, I had made it. But on the inside, the old labels were still louder than the woman I was becoming. Because achievements don’t fix identity. Only Jesus does.

The Lie I Believed:

I thought if I just accomplished enough, I’d finally feel worthy. If I proved I wasn’t that girl anymore, the shame would disappear.

It didn’t.

I was living Romans 8:1 on paper, “there is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus,” but living Romans 7 in my head, “what I hate I do.” I was carrying a prison sentence in my heart long after the court case was closed.

The Moment Everything Changed:

The hardest breakup of my life wasn’t with a person. It was with my own self-condemnation.

I had to make a decision: I could keep hiding my wounds, or I could let God reframe them as stepping stones. I chose to believe Ephesians 2:10, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand.”

That meant the same past that once disqualified me could now be used to point others to His redemption.

What This Means for You:

If you’re still punishing yourself for old choices, or clinging to your trauma story because you don’t know who you are without it… this is your permission slip to break free.

Your hurt is real. It doesn’t have to remain your current reality. Healing is a choice. Forgiving yourself is a choice. Just like forgiving others.

Biblical womanhood doesn’t start with behavior modification. It starts with identity restoration. Before you’re a wife, a mom, a leader, a worker, you’re a daughter of God. Galatians 3:26.

The Practice This Week:

Name the label. What’s the word you still hear when you look in the mirror? “Failure.” “Unlovable.” “Too broken.” Write it down.

Replace it with Scripture. For me, it was “daughter” from Galatians 3:26. Find one verse that speaks truth over that lie.

Speak it out loud. Daily. Until it’s louder than the shame.

This is Episode 1 of my new Series here on Substack (still in awe that I’m here with you). Over the next 6 weeks, I’m pulling back the curtain on how God is restoring biblical womanhood in my own life, and how He wants to do the same for you as you put biblical principles into practice in your marriage, motherhood, work, and leadership.

You’re not behind. You’re being built.

Reflection Question: What label have you been carrying that God is inviting you to lay down this week?

Reply in the comments, I read every single one.

Next week, on Episode 2: The Hardest Breakup, I’ll share how I finally let go of self-condemnation.